If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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