So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize