The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize