theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
