He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
