I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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