They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
