just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
