I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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