it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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