I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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