If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
