Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
