im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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