I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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