I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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