She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We left the knife in your bed.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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