Yo dont text me then not text me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
