i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
