Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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