He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
