I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
