I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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