My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
