Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
