why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
