Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
there is puke in my bra ... again
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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