I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
