My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize