i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
