I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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