I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
