i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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