shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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