its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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