if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
