My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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