i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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