if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
