Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
