Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
