I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
