I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
