Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
