she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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