my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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