i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
