No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
honey bunches of taint.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
