I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
