How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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