never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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