Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
