I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
