I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
