Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
