I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
