Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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