The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
