I must be too annoying 4 u.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
