the condom got lost in my hair
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
